In Memory of Lynda Stephan
1948?-2007

Just a second. Let me light my candle.


They took all my stuff and they threw it out into the yard. Then they
arrested me. Said I hadn't paid rent in two years, but I know I did. I can
prove it too. They stuck me in a psych ward because I hear the voices. They
persecuted Joan of Arc too. And so I came back.

I came back. My name is Linda and this is my house. It was my sanctuary.
They told me I shouldn't even be here at all. But it's mine. What they did
to me was unfair. I have a receipt. I have to stay here until I find a
place for my things. My whole life is in here. No one can listen to my
thoughts while I'm in here. The walls are thick and filled with dirt from
when they built the building. So the transmit ions can't get through.

There's mice here. And spiders. And fleas. Big ones. I don't kill them
though. That's wrong. But I wonder if they're real mice and spiders and
fleas or. something else.

You wouldn't have known me a year ago. But things changed and I can't figure
out why. Like everything just shifted and left me here stranded. I don't
recognize anything in this world anymore. I don't know who I am. I just
don't understand. I'm ready to forsake my human form. I'm ready to
transform myself into a spider or flea. Or a bird. Yes! A bird. I can fly
away then. I can build a nest. I'll be a bird.

I started out as one thing and then all of a sudden I'm trapped in an
alternate world where everything looks the same but it's all different. It's
all different. You're looking at me. I don't know if you're robots or if I'm
in a zoo or what. When did it all suddenly turn into this? Can someone
please tell me? It isn't fair what they did to me. I paid. I have a receipt.

I was a teacher for a year until I went to England. I was assaulted in
England. So we're not talking about that.

My house is my spiritual center. The vibes were very chaotic here before I
came. Someone was born here and someone died here. I don't know who. That's
just what the old woman who used to live here told me when I moved in. She
lived here with her husband. He died here. I had a little purification
ceremony with some candles and some wild sage I found growing through the
asphalt in the Safeway parking lot. It was a cleansing ritual and do you
know that right in the middle of it, this little bird flew into my window.
It was so spiritual.

I'm a very self-sufficient person. I enjoy benefiting from the fruits of my
existence rather than the labor of strangers. Walden by Thoreau is my bible.
It's so hard in this world. But I try. I try to keep my life as simple as
possible. It's not because I can't handle it, it's because.. Well I don't
know really. I grow my own vegetables on the windowsill. Right now I have a
bell pepper. I raised it from a single seed. It's green with a red spot.
When I eat it I will mourn. I really like bell peppers. And I make my own
bread. See?

I put all my love and my soul into my baking. It's a special thing. A heart
thing. Do you know what that is? It's something, a thought or a feeling or
even a gesture that is pure. From the heart. One year for Christmas I
dressed up as Raggedy Ann and I went around to all the people I felt needed
an awakening. It took me three months to make the costume. I went to the
Goodwill and bought some clothes and altered them. I had a denim jumper
and..and..I painted my face and had a dyed red mop head of hair and I went
out and I presented them, heart people, with a loaf of my bread. Some
accepted it in the spirit it was given but others were confused and afraid.
They didn't know how to react. I never said a word. Raggedy Ann is silent.
It was the giving of the bread that healed.

I wrote it all into a little book which Steve printed for me down at the
print shop. I work there sometimes collating and stapling chiropractic
tests. You have to pay five hundred dollars to take the tests to become a
chiropractor. They're easy tests to pass. Believe me. We used to quiz each
other. But Steve put a stop to it. Steve locked me in a room without
windows because the tests are very high security. Some desperate
chiropractic student could come and take us all hostage. Don't laugh. It's
happened. I don't let it affect my spirit. I see it as a soul challenge. My
mind is able to fly above the small locked room.

I was a teacher.

I want to talk to you class about the importance of poetry. I know what a
drag it is to read poems three hundred years old because you think to
yourself, what does a three hundred year old poem have to do with me. Well
the answer is, nothing. It has nothing to do with you. But look at it this
way. When you read a three hundred year old poem you are bringing back to
life a poet's deepest felt emotions and beliefs. By reading that three
hundred year old poem you resurrect the dead. The only true way for the dead
to speak to the living is not through writing. But through reading.

It was in this house though that I started to realize the truth about
everything. When the people next door moved in. They brought a color
television and I could hear it, surging through the walls, its tendrils
trying to pierce the secrets of everyone who it touched. I believe color
televisions are evil. I believe that they watch you; they follow you
wherever you go. They hypnotize you into another state of consciousness. It
happened to me. When those people moved in.

Ignore that. They knock on my door all the time. I never answer it. They'll
kill me. For my house. I don't know why they want my apartment. I can't
figure it out. I've lived here longer than any of them. But they all discuss
me. I never go out so I deprive them of their opportunity to harass me to my
face. They try to drive me away. Just yesterday I found a newspaper at my
door.

I don't subscribe to the newspaper! Why would one be by my door? Someone
must have put it there. But why? I never touched it. It's just another mind
game. A challenge from the universe. A test of my strength and faith. But
I'm strong. I never touched it and after it had been there for seven weeks
it suddenly was gone one morning. What does that tell you? What if it was a
bomb? Anything can happen in this alternate world we're in now. Look at me.
You're all staring at me. But I live here. This is my house.

Just ignore it. They'll go away. I hope it's not Jim. Remember Jim? He told
everyone he was my boyfriend but we were..we..I never really..He was just
too insensitive and his glass eye was very disconcerting. He would tap it
with a pen sometimes. And when he drank beer, his good eye got redder and
redder but the glass eye stayed white..I don't see Jim anymore except when I
need something from him. He's too physical. I told him that because of..

He just pushed me and pushed me. His eyes got red and white red and white
and he would hypnotize me until he got what he.we went to the reservoir so I
could read him some Haikus about our relationship. It was my birthday and he
gave me two red balloons. I told him how symbolic I thought that was because
red represented anger so I released the balloons over the reservoir and Jim
just threw rocks at them. He wouldn't even acknowledge the symbolism.

With everyone here listening in to my brain, I have discovered a whole new
way of projecting my poetry. If they can read my mind then what they will be
reading are my poems. Thousands of them. I call it mind publishing. See I
thought if they were going to invade me, my mind and soul then maybe it
would work both ways and I could use my poems to invade them. To help them
to the light.


Jim you shouldn't have taken that liberty with me. You abused our
relationship unspeakably and I have a Haiku to read you about my
feelings..What? You don't care about my feelings? How can you say that Jim?
What? How can you say I don't care about your feelings? You never tell me
any of your feelings! Why don't you put it in a Haiku? Don't worry about the
syllable count..

Just ignore that knocking. It's probably someone come to kill me. To kill my
spirit. But I'm still here! They can send all the police and Gestapo they
want to try and get me out.

Hello Steve.. I don't need anyone checking up on me.. I'm just fine by
myself. Why are you really here? No, I don't need anything. No, it's dark
because I don't have electricity anymore. I don't need it. I have kerosene
lamps and candles and they do just fine thank you.

No you can't come in, the place is a mess. Sorry. My stuff? You know why
it's out there Steve. But I have a receipt. What? No, you can't see it. No,
it's in a safe place.

No, I'm fine. Just a bloody nose.

I don't think I've been acting any different lately. It's you. All of you.
Why did they do this to me Steve? Why would they put that microchip in my
teeth? Why do I listen when they try to tell me what to do?

I don't want to come back.

A doctor? What kind of doctor?

What for.

I see.

I see.

No, I don't think I've changed. You're the one who changed. What about the
people who really need help Steve?

I don't recognize this world anymore. They want to take my house, but I live
here.

I can't come back to work for you. I can't go back into that little room
with no window. You're the one Steve. You're the one who locks me in there.
Do they make you do it? We've known each other for twenty years Steve. Since
right after I went to England. Do they pay you to let them observe me like
that? Is that why you come over here with poison food and fake money? Yes it
is fake money! You think I don't know? It doesn't even look like a
ten-dollar bill! I know what a ten-dollar bill looks like. Redesigned them?

Is that what they told you to say Steve?

No Steve, it's just a bloody nose. I got it from the people next door. They
beat me. I don't know why. I can't call the police. They'll take me away
from here. I can turn into a bird though. I can come back as a bird. Then
I'll lose my house.No, I'm fine. Really. I mean, I'm not fine. But what can
I do? You can't help me. You're trying to destroy me. But I'm strong and I'm
resolute. My life has taught me how to deal with hardship and loss. I rely
on the universe to protect me, Steve, not you. You made your deal with the
devil, but they can't have me.


Because I'm still here.
 

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